“my brain does not tell my face”*

as i have said before, i don’t have naturally smiling face. from the outside i mostly look different than i feel inside. my “social engagement system” (stephan porges) does not work properly, so when i have my normal face on people think i am angry, upset, intimidating, not approachable, snobbish or just moody. my faceContinue reading ““my brain does not tell my face”*”

alexithymia: emotional processing

“Alexithymia is a personality construct* characterized by the subclinical** inability to identify and describe emotions experienced by one’s self and others. The core characteristics of Alexithymia are marked dysfunction*** in emotional awareness, social attachment and interpersonal relating. Furthermore people with alexithymia have difficulty in distinguishing and appreciating the emotions of others, which is thought toContinue reading “alexithymia: emotional processing”

how not to enjoy yourself on a day off

on monday (yesterday) i took the day off. i was looking forward to it, as i did not have a break since january. it was a very special day. i could do whatever i wanted. and i made a list. and then i did not know which of these things i wanted to do andContinue reading “how not to enjoy yourself on a day off”

the power* of positive thinking

*power (Afrikaans) [poor, meagre or downright lousy] i like people who are positive or optimistic by nature. they seem somewhat naive, and are often totally out of touch with reality, but they are really, really nice to be around with, for a while. their delusion, that everything will be fine, gets to me. because everythingContinue reading “the power* of positive thinking”

lets add some cancer

i need to categorise things, to know what belongs where. and also categorise people, to know how to behave in different contexts. what to tell whom. and who to invite together. i don’t want to do that any more. but just because i don’t want to, my head is not so convinced. and now iContinue reading “lets add some cancer”

musings about “special occasions”

in south africa we are not allowed to buy alcohol during lockdown. it is not essential, they say. it keeps emergency departments empty and the death toll is down, because less people die on the streets. (nobody is on the street). it also boosts the black market. i personally would not mind if they keepContinue reading “musings about “special occasions””

it’s not all bad

i love lockdown. no need to find excuses (to self and others, but mainly self) to not go to things i think i want to do, because i have been trained well to think that the things other people like i need to also like. and if i am bored, anxious, exhausted or tired, iContinue reading “it’s not all bad”

oh dear, now i have to continue

having a blog means that i actually have to post things now. and suddenly the idea does not seem so good any more. i don’t have anything to say. why would other people want to know how i can do my head in? you will see the word meaningful in many of my posts. iContinue reading “oh dear, now i have to continue”