Welcome to this blog, which I wanted to start a year ago. But being unable to know how to start, which blog site to chose and then commit to, which photo to chose, and what hue to give it, how to write an introduction, which is not too soppy or self-absorbed or boring or meaningless or plain stupid, stopped me.
Now I am ready to start, a year after I have been diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), previously known as Asperger’s. A few days before my 51st birthday. I am writing this blog for myself, because I like writing. I also want to share with other aspie’s (and those who want to understand their aspie child/ partner/ parent/ colleague) about the lived experience of being on the spectrum. Basically how it is from the inside. I have 50 years of experience of feeling totally inadequate for not being able to do what to others seems to come easy. And, at the same time, I come over as confident, strong, independent, intimidating, and professional, and many other things that I don’t feel. At least to those that do know me too well. And to some who think that they do.
My hope is to prevent other Aspie’s (especially women) from torturing themselves for most of their lives by trying to be someone they are not, cannot and therefore should not be. My diagnosis is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me. And that, dear readers, is a sad statement. I am not on the “I am an Aspie and proud of it!” spectrum. I am not proud of it. It is not something I can help or something that I have achieved. But I am rather proud that I survived all the hell of not coping, of not knowing, of trying out new “solutions” for the myriad of problems I had (those solutions that make the problem much worse). I am tired of being on endless self-improvement quests, always not improving as I wished I would: basically becoming a different person.
It is a journey, this new reality, to become more and more authentically autistic. Eish. This is an everyday challenge, and there is huge freedom in it – if I have the guts. I will cringe about things I write. I will feel totally narcissistic for writing about myself, and then have sleepless nights over that. I will worry what people think- people I don’t even know. I will enjoy writing and I will feel bad about that too, in some way.
And lastly a disclaimer so that I can actually launch this thing, before it is perfect (=never). I will make spelling and grammar mistakes. I will repeat myself. And I will use strong language. My opinions and insights might change. Sometimes I will use Afrikaans words, to describe what cannot be expressed better in any other language i know.
Latest from the Blog
self harm 1
it’s been a long time. the reason i never started this blog when i wanted to. nothing to write, nothing worthwhile, at least. nothing of interest. not feeling up to it. too much effort. too demanding. too much anxiety. pda in action. today is the same: i feel i have nothing say, so i will…
“my brain does not tell my face”*
as i have said before, i don’t have naturally smiling face. from the outside i mostly look different than i feel inside. my “social engagement system” (stephan porges) does not work properly, so when i have my normal face on people think i am angry, upset, intimidating, not approachable, snobbish or just moody. my face…
alexithymia: emotional processing
“Alexithymia is a personality construct* characterized by the subclinical** inability to identify and describe emotions experienced by one’s self and others. The core characteristics of Alexithymia are marked dysfunction*** in emotional awareness, social attachment and interpersonal relating. Furthermore people with alexithymia have difficulty in distinguishing and appreciating the emotions of others, which is thought to…
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NOTES FROM THE EDGE 